Are You Being Kind or Right?

A small scrap of paper is sellotaped to the hand air dryer in the ladies toilets of my local shop. I read it and I look away, still thinking about what I read. I turn back to the scrap of paper and read again. Are you being kind, or right?

Am I? Well no, no I’m not kind now that you asked hand dryer. In fact much of the time lately I’m really unkind. And yes, truth be told, I love being right! Suddenly, BANGO, I realize I’m in a moral dilemma, and like a hall of mirrors, an image of myself keeps repeating over and over until I’m forced to face an unpleasant truth,  I am not as kind as I would like to be and I strive to be right far too much. But at what cost to kindness?

So I wondered; how do we know we are choosing to be right in a given situation over kindness? Here are five tell-tale signs being right is more important to us than being kind.

1.  You’re thinking of your response while someone is confiding in you.

You’re not listening. Instead of hearing the words the other person is telling you, you are cooking up a clever, funny, quick, dismissive response. Your response is not motivated by kindness, because in fact you have no idea what the person has just said to you because you were too concerned with your own thoughts and not at all thinking of them.

The kind alternative: Listening -pretty simple. When you listen to someone and really hear their words you will engage in a deeper relationship with them. Otherwise, you’re just skimming off the surface of the people you come in contact with during your day.

2.  You give out unsolicited advice like free lollipops.

No one is asking for your instructions on how to run their life. Don’t be so proud, they might be just sharing a problem with you, not asking you to share your rule book with them.

The kind alternative: Keep it zipped! Put your rule book away and stop being so damn lofty about your accomplishments. Most people, surprisingly, when in the middle of a personal struggle don’t want to hear about the time you got out of the same problem they are currently in unscathed and in half the time.

3.  You think your pain is greater than everyone else.

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world. And your problems supersede everyone else. Therefore others sadness’ are diminished and we judge others against our loftier selves.

The kind alternative: The things that torment us most are the very things that connect us with mankind. We are all in the struggle together. Remember, you never know what someone else is going through so don’t judge.

4.  You criticize first and never actually do.

On a wider stage a critic can insight creativity, especially when the critic knows what she’s criticizing. Mostly though, people criticize without thinking, knowing or understanding.

The kind alternative: Learn about your subject of criticism. Then you have the right to criticize or you may find the critic’s job is no longer required.

5.  You would rather gossip about a person than know them.

Gossip is the lowest form of conversation and most of us engage in it every day. It is idle chatter, Reality Show clatter and reflects on the gossiper far more than the gossip..eee.

The kind alternative: Being kind has nothing to do with idle speculation about someone else’s life. If your life depends on knowing whether your neighbor is having an affair, then knock on their door and ask them directly. At least give them the chance to say what they think of you